I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
