dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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