I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize