so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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