so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
