i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
