Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
