I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
