My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
This is the high leading the old right now
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
