Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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