Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I would fuck him just for his dog
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
