K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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