Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
