guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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