We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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