I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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