so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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