I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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