I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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