Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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