Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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