I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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