You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
