Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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