WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
