Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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