As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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