We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
