So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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