the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
if only i could text you this smell
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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