Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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