im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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