I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
