I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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