i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
