Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize