i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize