i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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