Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
