Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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