the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
