Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
