remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
