This is not my ceiling
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
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