I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
too bad you live with your parents still
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
