i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
