Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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