I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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