Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
