my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
