I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Is it because I queefed?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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