so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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