I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
