So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I party with great urgency now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
