i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
