i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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