I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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