When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
