i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
