I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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